Monday, March 2, 2009

What a Day!

So it's 4:40am and I am just now getting to typing this blog. I have wrestled with ideas and stories and how I was going to let you all know about one of the most eventful and entertaining Sundays I have had in a long while...if ever! Well seeing as how nothing overly creative is coming to mind, I'll just "keep it real."

So I woke up around 10:30am. Quick shower, teeth brushing, lotion and clothes. Make it to church around 11:45am (right on time), leave service and hit the parking lot at exactly 1:04pm.

Upon heading back to Tampa I get a call from my fellow artist and tour mate Cuban about a meeting with a lady (who will from this point on be referred to as our "contact") who was touched by our show and wants to help us out. I agree and quickly call an audible. It's about 1:30pm when I stop and eat at this GREAT pizza spot called Ledo's not too far from Tampa. After eating a personal size buffalo chicken pizza I jump back in the car about 2:15pm and notice a health food store so of course I need some muscle milk and alkaline water so I stop again. After a quick look around of the store I'm back in the car and back in Tampa at 3pm.

So Cuban and I have a brief conversation about how we want to approach this potential business opportunity and I am informed that our "meeting" is pushed back 30 minutes because our "contact" will be late, which is cool with me because I'm watching Family Guy and I don't feel like moving. Okay so fast's 5:15pm and I'm pulling up to Maggiano's Italian restaurant prepared to talk business. 5 minutes later I'm at the table and everything seems kosher, Cuban is there, our "contact" is there and we are all ready for something great to come out of this dinner. Mind you, I am full of pizza, water and don't let me forget about this awesome key lime pie from J. Alexanders of Tampa!

It's 5:45pm and the "contact" is asking our preference in wines, we all settle on a white chardonnay, glasses are filled, a quick toast to brainstorming and we are off! Now I'm not a big drinker so I'm sipping slow, before I know it the first bottle is gone,k our food has yet to come out (the lobster ravioli was grrrreat) and the "contact" decides to order another bottle, Cuban and I decide its cool if she wants to order another...what the heck! Glasses fill once again, another toast and we are off! Now its about 6:20pm, we have to be at a show at 9pm and this dinner is no where NEAR being over! Our "contact" is obviously feeling the wine...speech is slurred...attention span extra short, and I believe the use of complete sentences is out of the window. Ok, everyone has finished eating, its about 7pm and our "contact" orders ANOTHER bottle of wine! Yes folks, 3 bottles, like...the "contact" is going HARD right now...I mean DRUNK! not even drunk, I mean DROONK! DROONK like Frank the Tank in the movie "Old School" take it to the head without breathing DROONK! I mean backyard hooch brewing in the clear gallon jugs with the 3 X's on the bottle you shouldn't be drinking this DROONK! Now, sad to say I am not a stranger to being in situations where an individual is having trouble holding their liquor, but the attention we are getting at this time is ridiculous!

A Cuban guy, a Black guy and a white "contact" are sitting in an Italian restaurant....sounds like the start of a joke right? You should have seen the looks we were getting! At one point it was anything but obvious that this "contact" was going to puke at the table. On top of that they were getting all touchy feely and at one point tried to seduce Cuban and the same time!!!! Still drinking and rambling on about much of nothing began to get my coyote ugly on, meaning, I'm sipping wine out of my glass and then putting my cup of water up to my mouth like I'm drinking it, but I'm really spitting the wine out into my water! Yes, the wine cost a little money but come on, I have a performance soon, I have to drive, and drunk is not my style so screw it! I spit the wine out, you are not about to have good'ol Future looking bad on the road. Anyway, in the midst of my wine non sipping, I'm looking for an out, so I ask Cuban to take the "contact" to the here is where it got funny beyond my control. The "contact" stood up and I kid you not, they were leaning like a heroin addict fresh off the needle! I'm talking front, back, side to side UGK style and DIDN'T fall down! Now its coming up on 8pm and I need to leave to make sure I can grab my people for the 9pm show. In the middle of trying to find the appropriate time to leave, the waitress comes to the table and ask if our "contact" is okay. I say, "no! and can you please take the wine away from the table because umm...she ain't gonnna make it!"

I order a round of cappuccinos in hopes that this will help out our "contact." NEGATIVE! Upon returning to the table "they" collapse into the seat and looking aimlessly around the room and at us like "they" don't remember why "they're" here, much less how "they" got here. I mean head swinging back and forth like it weighed a ton!

Ok the time has come for me to ditch this situation as easy as possible. So I tell Cuban I need to go now in order to make it to the show on time. It is 8:15pm, I grab my Lobster ravioli, I hit the door, I'm in the parking lot, I'm in the car, I'm driving home, I think I have made it to freedom...NEGATIVE!!!!! I arrive at my pre show destination around 8:35pm. At 8:40pm I get a phone call from a deeply saddened Cuban, who is asking me why I left him alone (sad face). He informs me of how the "contact" was so drunk, sorry, I mean DROONK, that he had to assist in paying the bill for "them", which came out to just under $300!! The waitress was pissed, the manager had to come out and attempt to escort the "contact" out of the diner, a cab had to be called to get the "contact" home, and on top of all of this, the ENTIRE restaurant is focused on Cuban trying to take care of this individual!

It is now 9pm, I am officially 15 minutes late for the show, driving the highway while trying to talk Cuban out of his slight depression from the evenings events when I realize that the venue WE are performing at is one I have not been to in a few years due to money still being owed to me from a previous performance!

As if I have any pride left to swallow, I pull up to the venue, cordial as can be, Cuban and I rock out, sell CD's and wrap up the show. It is


Roni said...

This is SUPER hillarious even funnier in seriously, this can not be your life! When is the series coming out?! Let me know so I can tune in. LOL

Anonymous said...

"And the oscar for Best Blog Series goes to!... (drum roll) "The Future is Now, What a Day!" LMBO!
Dude IDK where to start! When I first seen the length of this I was like I'm gonna read that LATER! Lol. But I decided to take a gander and before I knew it I was at the bottom LMBO until I read the last few sentences.. :-/ Anyway... This note is FREAKIN HILARIOUS! Droonk?!?! Hahahaa! You HAD to go Coyote Ugly on them too and poor Cuban you left him hanging like that?! Least you didn't go out grimey style like you planned! LMBO! I always apologize for the junk you have to go through but who would make me laugh if you didn't?! Keep 'em coming cause I will definitely be here to read them! :o)

J. Phoenix said...

I dont know how you do it.